Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Attacked! - A stupid story

Oh. my. gosh.

This really happened today.

Imagine :

I'm sitting alone in my office, and in the far corner I spot an abnormal black wart on my wall. Upon closer inspection, it is a spider. A BIG spider. A spider with bulbous legs and shiny black exoskeleton that make it look like an armored body-builder. It's alarming, but it is also about 15 feet away. I see my options as:

A. Try to kill it with my shoe

B. Try to get it into a piece of paper and get it outside
C. Have my boss kill it

However these consequences follow:

A. I hate killing bugs, particularly bugs over 1/2" in diameter.
B. Something always goes wrong with B. Either I can't contain it and it crawls all over my hand, or I make a scene when the thing makes a run for my face(/escape).
C. I don't want to be seen as a wimp.

So I make up D. Live peacefully at a distance and hope that it's gone by tomorrow.
I naturally keep an eye on my new frienemy in the following minutes. I watch it ascend the wall and start exploring the ceiling. For the next two hours, I regularly glance upward and watch its slow spider progress along the perimeter of my office. It comes indirectly nearer, nearer, nearer.

Clearly this thing loves the ceiling, so I encourage myself that it will continue to do so as it approaches the airspace above the edge of my desk. As I watch, it does a 90 degree turn and comes inward from the wall, parallel to my desk, and directly toward me.

"It can't know what it's doing," I say, logically. The thing continues on this trajectory for about three feet until he is right above my computer, my hands, my lap. I'm tracking it now, eying it suspiciously, willing it to continue onward. BUT IT STOPS. Right there it stops, and I am looking directly up. It moves it's little spider legs and DROPS toward my forehead on a spider line! ATTACK ATTACK!

I jump. A shoe is in my hand. The thing is floating down, suspended in midair. Crack! Crack! The shoe strikes the little critter, and a split second later I hear it's exoskeleton plink on the window 10 feet across from me. Dead spider. I am champion. I am champion of spider baseball.

Okay, I feel bad about my dramatic, violent spider murder...but you tell me! What were it's motives? Why did it pick the spot right above my head to descend, when it had the whole ceiling and about 2 hours to pick a location?


In an effort to distract from my current spider creepies, I've tried to find some cute spider designs. Yes, it is almost an oxymoron. But I did find, um, two, that weren't creepy or fringe-y.

For the literary lover, this is cute. At CafePress, any design can be applied to a number of products including tees, hats, mugs, etc. This design is by Madcap Studios.

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